I prefer slow, but I also like pleasing my partners. I straight up tell them that if you say “do whatever you want with me”, it’s gonna be slow. If they want to be slammed harder than Pete Hegseth downing a beer, then they need to say that instead.
Communication, people. I know it’s cliche to say communication is important, but it is.
The absurdity made it funny, well done.
My partner would never say that to me. Something about the back of a Volkswagen.
“do what you want to me” is my least favourite dirty talk. The base idea is that we both currently WANT to do the same dirty rough sex but for some reason we’re not doing it. What makes her think he’s NOT doing what he wants right now? What if he’s a for fetishist and wants to put her foot in his mouth and jerk off? What if he just wants her to eat his ass?
Clearly “do what you want to me” doesn’t mean do what you want to me. “do what you want to me” means “I have a specific type of rough sex in mind but I’m not able to express my desires clearly, so I’ve projected them into my partner and I’ve made it their responsibility to understand me and do the right type of sex stuff to me”
I know this is basically an unhinged response to a greentext but I’ve had so many bad experiences with that specific line. Is wanting clear communication before and during sex about the sex we’re about to perform too much to ask for?
Right on the head, I’ve had a woman try to tell me to be rougher and take what I want.
Sure, right after you sign a fucking waiver - I’m not about to ‘take what I want’ and have you turn around and claim I forced you into something.
Sounds like something that could be very easily solved with basic communication.
I’m very sex positive and my partners have been too, so I don’t really have this issue, but I think porn has really affected both heterosexual men and women’s perception of sex. You hear it from the female perspective a lot where men just start hitting or choking them during sex, but there’s a cultural undercurrent of the opposite experience where women will try and take a guys hand to her throat and apply pressure because for some reason asking to be choked is weird but that isn’t. Both men and women are seeing rough sex portrayed in porn and assuming that’s the sex everyone wants/is having. In reality, it’s dangerous to do breathplay with an inexperienced partner and that’s not something you just spring on them. I think sex is still a taboo subject and people need to get more comfortable speaking about it. I think the idea of enthusiastic consent and how it incorporates into foreplay is often the deciding factor in how an encounter goes, but often neither party knows how to engage in it.
Enthusiastic consent is so sexy! I also love open scene planning beforehand for kinkier sex so that everyone gets what they want out of it and avoid things they don’t want.
A lot of people still find both unsexy and think sex should both be purely spontaneous AND meet all their kinks somehow.
Yes, those are exactly the things that should be happening.
I think the aversion to it is often that it’s not incorporated into the foreplay itself. For more serious things it should be completely separate so that there’s no question what is part of the the play and not, but imho for casual sex there’s less of a need to have a sit down discussion about it. I’m a woman though, so I get that it’s easier for me to say than for a man to say. It sucks because a lot of that onus is put on the person coded as masc/dom in more casual settings, but that’s just the reality of it. I think if more masc/dom coded people incorporated it into their casual sex it’d be less taboo much faster. I don’t think femme/sub coded people are going to be able to push it and still feel like they’re inhabiting the space they want to, so I don’t know if we’ll see a lot of cultural movement unless heterosexual men start to champion this idea of incorporating consent into foreplay.
From personal experience in casual settings it’s femme/sub coded people that tend to oppose enthusiastic consent. The idea of “agreeing” to various acts doesn’t feel “subby” enough.
I suspect the casual femme/sub role is mentally coded the same was bodice rippers/literary smut content is where a strong masc/dom appears and coercively satisfies all the femme/subs desires without real communication occurring freeing the femme/sub from the “shame” of accepting and expressing their femme/sub desires.
I think it would be, to me, difficult for the concept of enthusiastic consent to come from just one side of the equation. Both partners have to find it sexy for it to be sexy. It needs to enter our sexual zeitgeist, likely through advocacy and proper sexual education.
I have a hard time understanding how to people asking for what they want and expressing what they’d like to do could possibly be unsexy to anyone. Like I’m watching everyone get off and have their sexual needs validated and acted on. Non enthusiastic consent sex is SOMETIMES hot like the movies where two people are on the same wavelength and effortlessly act on eachothers desires. MOST of the time it’s awkward lack of communication leading to uncomfortable positions and the partners ESPECIALLY the femme/sub role having ALMOST what they want, getting CLOSE to amazing orgasm(s), but through lack of communication not really getting there, or settling for less.
Ironically the people who most consistently have “sexy hot movie sex” without having to talk are people who have been having enthusiastic consent sex for a few weeks or months and are playing out a scene they both understand.
Whew, thinking all this out is making me feel some kind of ways!
Yeah, I agree with your personal experience regarding who is generally turned off by it, but I think that’s why it needs to be a masc/Dom lead thing. Subs are too turned off by it conceptually and don’t want to take the lead. I think the big issue is how it’s incorporated into foreplay. Unfortunately, being sexy and dom about consent is not second nature to everyone, but it can definitely be done.
“Do you want me to X” or “wouldn’t you like that?” can be sprinkled throughout foreplay. “Tell me when to stop” or walking someone through an RP scenario where you respect their no and then they have to enthusiastically express consent to proceed. Absolute basic outline below devoid of all sexuality and not actually phrasing I would use: “Tell me to stop” “I don’t want you to” “Tell me anyway”
Option A “Ok. Stop” You stop and then have some sexy banter and tell them they need to ask you to continue. You’ve now demonstrated that you will respect their no even if you know it’s just play and you have their enthusiastic consent to proceed. If they don’t want to proceed either they didn’t actually like what was happening or you can try to ask them what they want instead and now they’re in charge.
OR “No I like this too much” You can proceed and potentially ask sexy follow ups to understand what specifically they like. “Oh you like how I X or do you like how I Y better?”
The issue is there’s a fine line between sexy and cringe. Knowing how to read a situation will definitely help, but the concept of using consent to build suspense is not new. There’s a whole genre of bodice rippers where the woman is the one that finally gives in and lets the man take her because he insists he won’t touch her until she begs for it. It obviously requires more restraint from the dom, and different techniques work on different people, but generally a way can be found to put consent in the hands of a sub without letting them feel like the power dynamic has been lost. It really is an art form though and not everyone can be a great artist, but we can all try our best.
A little off topic, but do you know of a kink community on Lemmy? Not porn, more just to talk about it/share resources, etc.
Right now your best best is the nsfw asklemmy. It likely gets the most views from people, so you’re more likely to connect.
!bdsm@lemmynsfw.com was supposed to be that, if you read the stickied posts it’s still supposed to be that. But it’s mostly porn atm.
I haven’t found an active kink community in the Lemmyverse, but I haven’t looked very hard.
No no, I think you captured it perfectly.
Relatable
Maybe stop shouting, some of us try to sleep here!
Shut up uncle Joe, Charlie needs to cook!
Totally fake, and gay. Anon never has sex, and if they did, it would be up their own ass
That being said, old man babbling incoming
Why people gotta always want the crazy shit? Like, can we not just have some nice, gentle, loving sex more often? Why we all gotta pretend there’s a camera on and be all contorted and have things shoved in our ears and shit?
Like, motherfuckers, put on some Barry White and get your slow jam on. Get some deep, grinding, balls up against them fucking going. Let that fucking fire build up until you both melt into each other.
I ain’t saying to never get your pound on! Nah, as long as your partner is up for it, play big daddy jackhammer. But gods damn, that ain’t a fucking fleshlight you’re inside of, and that ain’t a giant dildo you’re riding. It’s a person, explore that motherfucker, get that deep fucking going on. And I don’t mean where the dick is knocking on the cervix and wanting in, I mean feel that shit, feel every inch sliding in and out of that steamy goodness.
See, you do that kind of fucking, when one or both of you get to the climax, that shit comes out of your soul. You want that shit to be mind altering, where you’re seeing dragons fucking and unicorns rearing against alien skies and shit.
You the one with the dick, you fuck that pussy like you love it, like it’s the most precious thing in the world. You the one with that pussy, you wrap that thing up in your hot and salty goodness and hug it tight like it just got home from the war.
Make love with that shit
The most important thing is to communicate.
My SO and I have experimented with most of that, and it turns out, pound town is the best option for my SO, and my little member is happy to oblige.
Try different things, communicate about what works, and don’t always do the thing you both prefer, because variety is the spice of life. And hey, maybe that thing you tried a few years ago and didn’t like is interesting again (e.g. SO is liking being on top more now that they have more stamina from regular exercise). People change, just make sure to communicate and back down if it’s not working.
I’m sure you have sex real good etc etc, but honestly, a lot of heterosexual men do not have sex real good. Your conception of “loving sex” is fine and all, but often penetration alone is not pleasurable enough for women, especially if their partner is inexperienced or if neither party is familiar enough with the woman’s anatomy to find an angle that’s more stimulating. I’m not saying rough sex is the answer, but a lot of women think “boring sex” is bad because their partner is doing the technical aspects of what you’re saying “long, slow strokes” but neither party is able to make that as pleasurable for the woman involved. Male anatomy (in general) can enjoy a wider variety of stimulation than female anatomy and slowing things down can be really great for both parties, but in my experience requires more work for the female party to enjoy it to the same extent. Again, just my experience, but long and slow can easily turn into a version of starfishing with an inexperienced partner.
but often penetration alone is not pleasurable enough for women
God, but this needs more awareness. There have even been studies of women’s orgasm where they showed large gaps between penis in vagina only (lowest), penis in vagina AND man’s hand rubbing, penis in vagina AND woman’s hand rubbing, and penis in vagina AND man’s hand rubbing being guided by woman’s hand. The numbers were so far apart that it just blows my mind that anyone thinks penis in vagina alone is enough.
Eh, my SO prefers PIV only. When I get the hands involved, they’re over-stimulated. The best situation for us is PIV + hands on breasts, and bring that to pound town.
I was pretty surprised by this, since I’ve read online that many women actually don’t like PIV that much. But after some experimentation, pound town it is 90% of the time (though I’ll mix it up with some slow, sensual stuff to get them worked up before the main event).
Yessss. The orgasm gap in general is so real and guys (not talking about OP specifically but just in general) are all like “this makes pp feel good so why you no cum yet?” Absolute zero fucks given about their female partners. Some women enjoy penetration and can cum from that alone, but I’ve had female partners that have lots of toys but no dildos because “why even bother” and that’s so valid. Solo female masturbation is 9/10 in my experience clitoral, so idk why guys struggle to understand that in and out is only going to do so much for most women.
But you know how these wanton harlots are, enjoying things outside of missionary with their husband for the sole purpose of procreation. Disgusting! Brides of satan the lot of them.
so idk why guys struggle to understand that in and out is only going to do so much for most women
I can’t speak for anyone else but for me it’s not so much that I don’t understand it’s just a shot to the ego every time I think about it and it sucks that there aren’t a lot of options to get us both off at the same time (I know that’s stupid but I can’t help feeling that way. It’s some kind of lizard brain thing I can’t shut off). I was also with a woman who did get off on penetration for a long time and that was awesome so I sometimes find myself comparing what I’m missing out on now. Which again is shitty but I don’t know how to stop.
Great writeup though.
i mean yes but people should also be allowed to express their love in whatever ways they and their partner find appealing. If their version of love making is a hardcore bdsm scene involving pegging, pet-play, piss-play and some kink we’ve never heard of but has an underground scene of thousands, who am I to say that that act to them is what sensual love making is to you?
i mean don’t get me wrong, I do like an old-fashion so to speak, but other people like different things, and that should be ok.
Assuming the green-text is true, or even if it is just as a story to bring across the point, the notion is that “do what you want with me” is implied to be some of the “hardcore” things rather than the possibility of anon just wanting sensual intimacy.
The critique is that the assumption of everyone wanting “hardcore” things is just false. And frankly a lot of people do make themselves suffer by trying to adhere to this porn idea of sex, instead of allowing themselves to be sensual.
Ain’t nothing wrong with getting your freak on at all :)
yey :3
👏👏👏 Bravo!!!
Should have called her a fuckin retard
The internet has ruined dirty sex talk.
I randomly remember that story and crack up
Well, I assume the girlfriend knew the guy REALLY liked Ol’ Reliable, right? In this case, screaming “do what you want to me,” while clearly indicating a desire for something else, has been 100% respected.
If you want something different, say it specifically. Our pee pees are touching, kinda’ late for being Victorian about it…
Means she needs the old AM radio dials fine tuned, antenna extended, and solid rockin the boom box. Pick up the squawk box and dance to the jams
Every single word…damn it, I’m old…
Flip her over on her belly and do her
missionary doggyprone-bone style.Edit: thanks @UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.works!
*prone bone
And put a mask on the back of her head if your facial recognition’s not participating in the fun.
Ask for bank card and pin.
Slow deliberate strokes to finish is a fun way to change it up from pounding away.
